My journaling on paper has not been going so well (always an excuse, can't find a pen, etc) so I'm moving it online. I hope this will help me get out
what's going on a little more.
I'm too lazy to do a whole spiel, but my name is Amy. I have been dealing with anxiety/depression since March 2007. I had a baby that died at 26 weeks gestation. He had a major brain malformation. Right around his due date I kinda lost it! Started with panic attacks and ended up in the hospital due to to therror ITs about my living son (then 4) I was having. It was a long strange journey and I was always a little resentful that it seemed to be more difficult for me than for others, ie med issues, things not working, worrying about never getting better. About a year after onset of symptoms, I went in for some EMDR therapy to try to get rid of the ITs enough to feel comfortable to ttc. I went for 6 sessions and it really seemed to help me. I had gone on zoloft (was on celexa) and weaned off of klonopinur baby was concieved in June 2009. I stayed on zoloft until 32 weeks when I felt well enough to go off it completely. My psych was thinking that my issues were more situational around the loss of the baby than ppa/ppa. So I was off meds for 8 weeks! A little victory. and I felt very well and ready for this baby.
I had Norah on March 18th. She was due the 17th but my son was a big baby and had to be induced when I was 10 days late so we didn't want to do that again. My body wasnt ready thought and I was at L&D for 36 hours on cervadil before they would start the pitocin. Her birth itself was really pretty quick and not traumatic.
We were sent home with the baby and a billi-blanket (she had a little jaundice) on the 20th. Its this blue light Tron-looking thing you wrap around the baby. It has a colling fan and is extermely loud. I ended up staying up all night that first night holding her in the billi blanket. As I became more tired, some ITs crept in, and I kept shutting them down. When DH came to relieve me at 5am, I went to sleep, and woke up 30 min later in a full-blown panic attack. SO ...here I am again.
I have been in therapy all along and am still seeing the same therapist, back up to 1x week. I go to a ppd support group 1x weekly. My pdoc seems to think my meds are pretty set because I'm seeing him 1x month. I am taking remeron as my AD. I have to admit that it has worked better for me than either of the SSRIs I took, like I noticed a difference. I also take klonopin, more than before even. Some days I feel normal, even happy. Some days i feel anxious. I am even having some depression, which I didn't have so much before. I have a hard time looking too far into the future without feeling overwhelmed. I feel guilt for not being grateful enough for my family's health, my healthy baby. I feel bad that my husband is "dealing with this again". I think about loss a lot. I worry about losing loved ones. Heck, i mourn the fact that my big boy (now 6) is getting older every day, that I can't just stop the clock until I feel better. Part of me thinks a lot about having another baby because a) I'm getting older and b) pregnancy is the time I felt best. But then it seems for me there's the likelihood of PPD at the end of the rainbow. Another part of me says NEVER AGAIN. Just try to get better and enjoy the rest of your life.
So that's it for my intro post. I'll do another "today" post.
I'm too lazy to do a whole spiel, but my name is Amy. I have been dealing with anxiety/depression since March 2007. I had a baby that died at 26 weeks gestation. He had a major brain malformation. Right around his due date I kinda lost it! Started with panic attacks and ended up in the hospital due to to therror ITs about my living son (then 4) I was having. It was a long strange journey and I was always a little resentful that it seemed to be more difficult for me than for others, ie med issues, things not working, worrying about never getting better. About a year after onset of symptoms, I went in for some EMDR therapy to try to get rid of the ITs enough to feel comfortable to ttc. I went for 6 sessions and it really seemed to help me. I had gone on zoloft (was on celexa) and weaned off of klonopinur baby was concieved in June 2009. I stayed on zoloft until 32 weeks when I felt well enough to go off it completely. My psych was thinking that my issues were more situational around the loss of the baby than ppa/ppa. So I was off meds for 8 weeks! A little victory. and I felt very well and ready for this baby.
I had Norah on March 18th. She was due the 17th but my son was a big baby and had to be induced when I was 10 days late so we didn't want to do that again. My body wasnt ready thought and I was at L&D for 36 hours on cervadil before they would start the pitocin. Her birth itself was really pretty quick and not traumatic.
We were sent home with the baby and a billi-blanket (she had a little jaundice) on the 20th. Its this blue light Tron-looking thing you wrap around the baby. It has a colling fan and is extermely loud. I ended up staying up all night that first night holding her in the billi blanket. As I became more tired, some ITs crept in, and I kept shutting them down. When DH came to relieve me at 5am, I went to sleep, and woke up 30 min later in a full-blown panic attack. SO ...here I am again.
I have been in therapy all along and am still seeing the same therapist, back up to 1x week. I go to a ppd support group 1x weekly. My pdoc seems to think my meds are pretty set because I'm seeing him 1x month. I am taking remeron as my AD. I have to admit that it has worked better for me than either of the SSRIs I took, like I noticed a difference. I also take klonopin, more than before even. Some days I feel normal, even happy. Some days i feel anxious. I am even having some depression, which I didn't have so much before. I have a hard time looking too far into the future without feeling overwhelmed. I feel guilt for not being grateful enough for my family's health, my healthy baby. I feel bad that my husband is "dealing with this again". I think about loss a lot. I worry about losing loved ones. Heck, i mourn the fact that my big boy (now 6) is getting older every day, that I can't just stop the clock until I feel better. Part of me thinks a lot about having another baby because a) I'm getting older and b) pregnancy is the time I felt best. But then it seems for me there's the likelihood of PPD at the end of the rainbow. Another part of me says NEVER AGAIN. Just try to get better and enjoy the rest of your life.
So that's it for my intro post. I'll do another "today" post.
It felt good.
