We're now settled stateside (in his dream state, a place I've avoided for over 10 years) and I'm back to being an angry stay at home mom (I learned years ago that being a SAHM just doesn't agree with me....and then agreed to go back to it! glutton for punishment maybe?) with severe depression and suicidal thoughts over what happened. He's all but given up on me at this point and I can't blame him--I can't seem to move past my disappointment and anger. I've stopped going to therapy and stopped my meds a while back because I just can't see the upside to them. I feel like my depression is situational more than chemical--I am stuck in a situation I hate because of the choices I made. There's no going back to fix them, but I lack the motivation to "just make the most of things" like I'm expected to. My kids deserve better than I am right now, but I just can't get past....the past! There are lots of other little things that happened along the way to make me so unhappy--things I could have changed but which are now just fact. I've never been good at accepting and moving on and this is the worst thus far. Funny thing is, if this had happened differently, I could see being happy with where I am and what I have. But the choice was taken from me--in location, in job, even in this awful minivan he decided to trade his truck in for in an attempt to make everyone happy!
I guess I'm mostly looking to vent. Life looks pretty bleak at the moment. Sort of like, I can't see finding happiness after all that happened, so why try?